One Of Those Feelings..

I’m not sure that I can say that I’ve given up on him. I’m so sick of living in a throw-away society, of being part of an entire generation of people that are so detached from everything and everyone around them. For once, I want something to stay in my life. I want something solid that I can hold on to, something that will provide me some stability in a time when nothing is certain and nothing is set in stone. I want to be able to fix something when it’s broken, not just dispose of it when it suits my fancy.

And yet all at the same time, I’m so tired of hearing myself say the two words, “I want”. It’s not all about me, I know that. That’s the second thing my generation is so famous for: our constant concern for ourselves, our infamous self-absorption. The world revolves around the sun, not me. If I could produce even a fraction of the energy that the sun does, if I could make a fraction of the impact on this world that the sun does, then maybe I would potentially deserve a fraction of the attention and recognition that the massive orb does. My generation, my pupils, seem to consider themselves highly important in today’s society, when in reality, none of them could care less about one another. These attitudes are the reason why I know I have no right to use the phrase “I want” as frequently as I do. After all, I am considering a situation that concerns another person, someone who I claim to care about, someone who I claim to love.

The truth is, I’m a flake. I get a million ideas all at once, and I can’t stick with just one. I get theories and fears and assumptions and can never decide which one to follow or which one I can trust. I don’t know the truth about everything, and most of the time I don’t know the reality of the situation. I try to pretend that I have a clue, but who am I kidding? I’ve begun to get this sinking feeling deep down in my chest that tells me he doesn’t love me anymore. I’ve got this weird sense that he’s lost interest, that things have changed. I want it all to go back to the way things were, but to be honest, I can’t be sure that things have really changed at all. I guess what worries me is that I have no real way of knowing what’s true and what’s false, what has happened, what is happening, or what will happen.  I don’t like to be out of control of the situation, and so I end up lying to myself and to others, just to make it seem like I know what I’m doing. At one time, I really have no way of knowing what’s going on in his mind, and so I make up stories and theories that suit my crazy assumptions. What frightens me is that these are all just fantasies, figments of my imagination until one or another is confirmed. When that will happen, I don’t know; but until then, I will continue to struggle uncomfortably against my own thoughts. My current thoughts tell me he has fallen out of love with me, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up on him or this relationship yet. I want to fight for us, I want to fix us. But unfortunately I have yet to completely realize my insignificance to this world, and that odds are most likely leaning against me. Then again, this is just another one of those feelings I have…